Sometimes there are moments where I don't feel like myself. Late at night, when I'm alone, I have a moment to think. I think of my life. I think of this position I'm in. This slump and bump in the road.
I'm beating myself up so much that I can no longer keep up my false smile any more. I can't hide this anguish anymore. I can't feel "real" happy anymore. Whenever I try, doom and gloom comes back.
I hate to bring the ones I love down with me. I always sound sad on the phone and I'm more silent than ever. I rarely laugh, for real. I rarely smile, for real! Well, at least for long.
Words swirl around in my head, I get dizzy to the point where I feel like stopping and hurling. I feel sick, suffocated, beaten and bruised emotionally.
So much that the one "sane" part of me has to keep reminding me to keep my chin up. That imaginary sense of hope I've created is the only string I have left to hold onto. Hope for the future, hope for some kind of happiness.
Hideki. I've gone insane to think that you, Hideki, are the one "sane" thing helping me to carry along. You're not real. But at the same time, you are. You know pain. You've been through much too. I was with you through it all too. We went through it all. We both cried together, story by story, chapter by chapter. We laughed, we screamed, we thought together.
In an absolutely insane way, Hideki you're my escape from my life. You and I understand each other. We're always there for each other. No one knows each other as much as we do. We're one. Oh my God, I'm crazy. This is crazy, I've snapped, I'm crazy!
Thank you, Hideki.